A Personal Story of Recovery

As a new feature, we are going to start featuring stories, experiences and writings from the addiction and recovery community.  Our first is a true story of a woman that lives, works and thrives in our community thanks to overcoming the addiction that was controlling her life.  Permission was given to use her name.

 

Drunk Mother – A Failure

Beaten, bruised, broken bones – I hold my own. I stand tall – I move forward.

Beaten again – stand up and stand tall again.

Drunk – need to the numb in pain inside.

Avoid judgement, still exist.

No one will understand my pain. I hide.

I am Failure.

Drunk – need another drink. Failure

I need to feel numb. I can’t see the empty woman in the mirror.

I am stripped down, limb by limb of human decency. Failure

Broken, humiliated, abandoned.

No one can love me.

No one should love me – Failure

 

Sober –

I felt the pain.

I hear the judgement and disregard the criticism.

They don’t understand, I still hurt.

I am proud to listen to my angel on my shoulder, but the devil’s voice is loud – FAILURE!

He screams Overflowing thoughts of trauma and judgement – I am a FAILURE!!!!!

 

Relapse – feeling and fearing continued judgement.

No one understands but the evil Devil that takes a place beside me on my bed.

He whispers – Failure!

I contemplate death. I ask?  Will anyone miss me if I am gone?

He replies – No, you are a failure.

You all have judgement, you talk about me, you criticize, you say meaningful and hatred words thinking I will never hear them, but I did. Failure!!!!!

They cry and say – You weren’t a failure.

They hold the church pamphlets in their hands that cherish a poem of love and a picture of their mother, shaking and knowing how hard she fought her disease.

They wish they could hold my hand, allow me to wipe their tears and whisper – I love you.

As hard as they pray for me to open my eyes – I do not awaken. I lay still in the casket. No breath, no movement, I lay still.

What they want to scream at the world that judged and put me down –

YOU DON’T KNOW HER! SHE IS BEAUTIFUL AND STRONG AND SHE WAS OUR MOM! SHE FOUGHT AND SHE OVERCAME HER BATTLES BUT SHE ALLOWED YOUR NEGATIVITY AND PERCEPTIONS OF HER CONSUME HER SOUL! YOU ARE THE REASON THAT I DON’T HAVE MY MOM! SHE IS NOT A FAILURE!

 

DO YOU HEAR US???? NOT A FAILURE!

They never saw me as a failure –

I was a survivor that was talked down to believe I  was a failure, because they never were educated of my disease, so they discriminated and therefore I laid alone, in a casket – lifeless – still.

 

Alone – seen as a failure.

 

But not with my children – I was still a survivor!

 

Now I am the one that they still judge because I confronted them of the words I heard. I am still the outcast.

 

Contemplating death

 

Betrayal – the hurt of criticism and misunderstanding wounds my soul.

I sat in this parking lot, believing that one would understand why I am in this handicap space without a sign stating I am hurt.

Such foolish acts by vindictive souls that only see the straight line and believe they are superior to others. They profound my name as FAILURE!

You are so naive and only have a partial soul. You will never appreciate the determination of what I have sacrificed and overcome. How dare you speak will of Me.

You encourage my “Failure” for your own entertainment to make you feel superior.

You are not educated, you are ignorant of disease, Ignorant of the mental capabilities of our minds. You are not the judge, nor will you ever be.

You are not of understanding of mental illness or my disease.

Your ignorance makes you like a fool. Therefore, makes me out as a failure.

You are blinded by your stupidity and ignorance. Your parents did not teach you well about the world that surrounds you.

Therefore – they are a failure.

I am awake – I am sober.

My daughter and son enjoy every moment of life with me.

We play, we cook, we laugh, we educate one another, We learn, we smile, we cry, we have faith.

Yet, you still criticize with your judgements with uneducated minds.

You educate your children that I am not of value.

You see me still as a failure.

I remain a failure.

I have fallen, risen and guided myself beyond my own wreckage,

You still see me as a failure.

Therefore, through my trial and struggles,

My dedication to my wellness, my wellbeing, my sobriety and the love for myself-

it doesn’t matter to you or influence your opinions towards me.

Your words overcame my own belief I am worthy of love and a full life – I am still a failure.

Words written on thin paper notebook paper – I will love you forever, I am so sorry I was not strong enough to avoid the hurtful words people say.

I thought I was good enough. I am so sorry I am such a failure. I always wanted you to see how far you can come in this world when you are faced with obstacles and cruelty.

Yet, this world is cruel.

My brothers weep, my son and daughter look over at my casket in disbelief,

Would you ever ask why I am there, or do you want to look at me in my car and ask – why are you there? You don’t deserve to be.

~Christina Kinney-Fullerton

If you have a story, writing or experience (good or bad), please reach out.  We will be publishing monthly these writings, hoping to show a personal side to addiction.

You can email to info@midcoastrecovery.org or lura@midcoastrecovery.org.

Your name will be kept confidential if requested.